saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
