If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My bed smells like the plague
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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