I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize