I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We just shotgunned beers for America
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
