I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
