"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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