my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
