I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
