i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
