Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
