i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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