Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
