Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
