I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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