i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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