The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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