you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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