Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
