Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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