I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
