i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
