I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
