Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
