Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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