almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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