He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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