i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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