Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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