i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do vagina's smell?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
