Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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