I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
