Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
