remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize