Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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