my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
