my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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