My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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