I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
