Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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