I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize