We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
