I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
