Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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