Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
