I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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