i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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