My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
