How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize