I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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