I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
