mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
