if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
