Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
