i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
