Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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